Mama Tried

Validation

At the dentist the other day, Jeff had Nathan in the lobby while I got a cavity filled.  Everyone- the receptionist, hygienist, other dentists- kept going out to admire Nathan.  At one point I heard a passing x-ray technician say, "That is a REALLY cute baby," which made my week.  I think Nathan is the cutest thing on the planet, and people tell me that plenty, but it was good to hear it behind my back, so to speak.

Not that his cuteness is much in my control.  I also get compliments on my parenting, occasionally, which weirds me out.  I think I am doing a good enough job, but how does the neighbor guy know that? He just sees that sometimes I am taking Nathan to the car and sometimes we walk the dog, but he always says, "You're doing a great job."  Based on the fact that I am not holding Nathan upside down by his toes at those moments, I guess.

The compliments on things I am obviously doing are weirder- my dentist told me I was a good mom for breastfeeding.  He says he thinks all of his sleep apnea patients were formula fed. Um, okay, I said. 

But the only validation I really need is Nathan, who smiles whenever I come in the room. He seems to think things are going well.

Some Wonderful Things About My Son

-He will hold his head up for a while now while sitting, until suddenly he realizes, "Hey, wait, this head holding thing is work!" and slumps his neck forward.

-He has five smiles I can identify.  There is "You're smiling at me? Okay, let's SMILE!" and the spontaneous "I LIKE EVERYTHING!!!" smile, both of which usually mean you can tickle him to delight.  There is also the kind of smug "I just pooped my pants" smile, the "That man is silly" smile he gives Jeff, and my personal favorite, the smile he gives when he recognizes me. "Hey! You're That Lady! I LIKE YOU!!!"

-He slept a record breaking 6 hours and 25 minutes straight last night, waking at 1 and 4 for feedings and then sporadically through 4-6 a.m. before going back down for a nap at 7:30. 

I made Jeff confirm, this weekend, that when I was putting him down for naps he really did seem tired.  After two weeks of obsessive nap research, I have discovered that, in fact, the most reliable cue for sleepiness is fussiness. And that he will cry as you rock him to sleep. And usually he will cry, calm, close his eyes, and... scream. And then you soothe him back down through cry-calm-close, repeating the cycle until either a)he falls asleep b)he switches to his hungry signals (these I have figured out- they are flailing his head like a Hungry Hungry Hippo and/or making an "eh eh eh" cry) or c)he calms down altogether and pops his eyes open with the "Hey! You're That Lady! I LIKE YOU!!!" smile. 

He often wakes in less time than I spent getting him to sleep, and he is either tired fussy or in mode b) or c) from above.  So then we either repeat the cycle or feed him or get him up to play.

Of course, next week he could decide he can only go down for naps while I play the bongos, and we'll have to research this all over again, but for today I have his explainable fussiness figured out. 

Surprising Discoveries

-You can, in fact, get tired of going to the Grove.

-You may become one of those babywearing freaks, but will tell yourself it doesn't count as attachment parenting if the main reason you do it is so you can continue to do the crossword puzzle every day. (And because it makes the baby happy.) You will still fear the type of people who call themselves babywearers and post on internet forums about it, though, but mainly because you are on the precipice. Because besides going to the Grove, figuring out how to wear your sling was the major accomplishment of the past week.

-Despite this lack of excitement, you will wonder why there was ever any doubt in your mind that you would take the full 16 weeks of maternity leave.

-In fact, a chance to reconfigure your whole life and make that maternity leave extend for even longer will appear, and you will suddenly think, yes, I could totally be a stay at home mom living in the Valley, which is basically something you swore you would never do.  This will make you both incredibly happy and incredibly anxious, and you will feel a complete loss of identity. That cannot be filled by trips to the Grove. 

-But you suspect it will all be more than fine.

(In other news, Nathan is down to two or three poops a day.)

There's a Warranty?

Overheard in a discussion about how difficult newborn parenting is:

"I was told, if after six weeks it still seems too hard, to feel free to go ahead and quit."

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

"Breastfeeding, I mean."

"Ohhhhh. I was wondering where you'd send the baby off to, exactly."

Addiction

Back in my youth (i.e. ages 15-24 or so) I had a terrible Dr Pepper habit. We are talking a Super Big Gulp a day here.  Eventually I had to give it up, because a)my post-college metabolism couldn't hack it and I was suddenly 40 pounds heavier and b)combined with my daily two cups of coffee it was making me a little bonkers.

Recently, I have started letting Dr Pepper back into my life- just once a week, in a medium fountain version, on my weekly trips to Target. (I also now understand why MommyBloggers all love Target- it is one of the most exciting out of the house adventures! Everything is shiny! And also, there are lots of fluorescent lights, perfect for inducing a 7 week old into a peaceful trance.  That plus the fountain drinks and frankly I am not sure why MommyBloggers don't all write MORE about Target.)  I think this is probably an okay level of Dr Pepper, but I am not wholly certain it is appropriate for me to think of it, as I pour it, as "Mommy's Little Helper." If I start making up excused to go to Target biweekly we will know that I am once again in the hooks of the Dr.

In other news, Nathan has outgrown the Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe- he woke himself up all last night having kicked right out of it. Tonight we try the Miracle Blanket once again, and if that doesn't work I do not know what I will do, as an unswaddled child at night is my worst fear.  (He will surely just kick himself awake every five minutes!)  There is not enough Dr Pepper in the world to counteract that kind of sleepless night.

Life As A Mother

Last night Nathan fell asleep early, and instead of worrying that he would have his five hour stretch from 6-11 I asked Jeff if he wanted to share a pot of tea and watch a movie.  So we had decaf Earl Gray and Annie Hall, and giggled at each other and the movie and Nathan, who woke up at eight for a feeding and then fell back asleep with us, all one family on the couch.  And I realized this is better than I ever dreamed.

(Maybe you don't believe me, and maybe you want different things for your life and your family, and that is fine.  Some days friends call and ask what I am up to and all I can think to say is that, um, Nathan's fixing to get a bath, and in those moments I see your point.)

This morning I awoke to find a card awaiting me, my gift- a hair appointment next Saturday that I am going to all by myself- already given, so the card was a good surprise.  I opened a box my mother had sent the week before, which contained a porcelain mother and son, sitting the same way Nathan has recently taken to sitting up in my lap.  I dressed my son in a too precious outfit and Jeff and Buster and I all took turns making him smile.  Nathan napped in my arms while I read the Sunday paper. We drove him out to the valley for lunch with my in-laws.  There was lots of feeding and changing and walking around, and as we were leaving my father-in-law said, "You never stop working, do you?"

(And I don't- I don't even sleep the same, and somewhere around the time I started saying "my son" as natural as can be I stopped resenting that fact and came into acceptance that for now, I'm the first responder.)

Mother's Day to me is still mostly about remembering to call my own mother, and grandmother, and the real mothers who have earned it.  But I can see how if I keep things up I might wind up in that camp.  And I am also seeing now how they probably enjoyed a lot of it, all that work.  Because I am.

Spontaneity

In most areas as a parent I am finding myself hopelessly uptight. (Not all, as the coffee stains on some of Nathan's receiving blankets will attest.  It was lukewarm coffee, I swear.)  I have a new rule of getting out of the house at least once a day and those outings are planned, with Nathan fed and changed and scheduled to return.

Yesterday's outing was meeting a friend and her toddler to push our strollers children around the park, and I was really looking forward to it as Nathan spent all morning crying or eating-- by the time it was time to go he had settled and even got into his carseat without protest.  When my friend called- her toddler was sick.  I contemplated napping with Nathan in the backseat of the car but instead decided to go to a different park by myself.  Unplanned! and then maybe to pick up some groceries.  No stopping me!!

At the different park, I noticed as I was walking above a row of picnic tables a mom who, by the position of her bugaboo, appeared to also have a baby. This is the first time I have seen another parent at the park- LA is very nanny-centric- and I wondered if I should approach her. Instead I circled around and walked past her and then noticed her getting up and pushing her stroller behind me. Exhibiting moves I have not used since I noticed my seventh grade crush in the hallway, I slowed down, nonchalantly stopping to swig some water, until she caught up with me at which point we discussed our baby's ages, and names, and even our own names. Then I started babbling like an idiot about my ambivalence about going back to work and the possibility of moving to the Valley and more or less my life story and then she turned to head to the Grove. 

At which point I realized it was hot and sunny and *I* wanted to go to the Grove, but didn't want to stalk the Park Mom. Except I kind of did want to ask for her number, because she seemed nice.  But I thought that would be weird. So I waited before going into the Grove ourselves, at which point Nathan was hungry, an event that would have sent non-spontaneous me into terror and we would have raced home.  But I remembered that I had heard Nordstrom's had a big plush lounge area, so I pushed Nathan's stroller on in there- where two other women were already breastfeeding. Nathan and I then hung out there forever because he screamed every time it was time to get back into the stroller- long enough for Park Mom to come in and discuss baby carriers with me (I had left the Snugli at home, and she warned that as he got bigger the Snugli might hurt my back). I still didn't get her number, which I kind of regret. I need to learn how to Mom Date, I think. 

Anyway, to make a long boring story shorter, Nordstrom's is the greatest, Nathan eventually went in his stroller, and he endured it long enough for us to circle the Grove (where I took him into J. Crew and told him about my previous life, with disposable income, and he pointed out that the t-shirt and chinos I was looking at didn't look any different than what I was wearing), AND the Farmer's Market, and cross the street to Whole Foods. I know none of that sounds too incredible to normal people, but for me it was the most liberating excursion of my entire life. Or at least of the past six and a half weeks.

In other news, Nathan's social security card arrived yesterday, making him a real person in the eyes of the government, ready to pay taxes and have his identity stolen. 

Lastly, because no baby update is complete without a poop story, this morning I was sitting with a group of people and just as it was my turn to talk, with all eyes on me? Explosive poop. Poop that went through the onesie and through the swaddle blanket all onto my hands. 

First "Holy Cow, Am Actually A Mom Moment"

At  the hospital and pediatrician's, whenever anyone mentioned "the mother" I looked around for my mom.

Today, at the library applying for a new card, the librarian said, "Mother's maiden name?" and I gave her mine.

We Survived

Attending a conference with a not-yet three week old is perhaps still one of the dumbest ideas I ever had, but we did it.  The other organizers carried my weight and I managed the bare minimum of official duties (a couple of workshops my copresenters planned and ran, presenting some awards, getting re-elected for some reason...)  My sister Sarah stayed with us and kept Nathan as much as possible and he didn't miss any feedings or break or anything. Sarah is a natural with babies and I think found my anxiety level about the whole thing amusing.  At one point I was changing a diaper and as I snapped up Nathan's onesie she asked gently if I had forgotten anything... like, you know, a new diaper. 

I was surprised by how weird it felt, in meetings, being back in my old life doing non-Nathan things. And by how it felt good for about five minutes and then I was antsy to get back to him.  I didn't think I would get so wrapped up in him, but for now, my world is about 21 inches long.  But I see how my world will get its old components back, too, in time. 

I Can See Why

Motherhood gets no respect.  Suddenly the most fascinating thing I have to say that doesn't involve poop. breastfeeding or sleep is that my son spent seven minutes enjoying his activity mat- three of which were the vaunted tummy time.  Add that to this morning's arm stretching session- three minutes of amazement- and I feel like the world's greatest entertainer. At least I am riveting to a two week old. When he isn't pooping, eating or sleeping.