Mama Tried

Updates

It's not even 9 AM and I am pumping for the second time today.
So, yesterday, I took James to the LC and we got him on the scale. He weighed in at 10 lbs and 6 oz- a full 10 ounces less than he had weighed 6 weeks prior.  I promptly burst into tears, of course. But the LC (with the hospital where James was born) was wonderful, and we figured out pretty quickly that my milk supply had basically plummeted- due in part to James' long stretches of night sleep, and his nursing only every 3 hours, and his short nursings, and the fact that he has a very distracting big brother.  
When I first had Nathan, there was a mom in our breastfeeding group with supply issues, and she would pump after every nursing, and I remember thinking, "That is cuckoo.  If it came to that, I'd just go to formula."  And when the LC prescribed fenugreek capsules, and pumping 6-8 times a day, my first thought was, "That is cuckoo, no way."  But I took home a hospital grade pump (and it is amazing compared to the Pump In Style) and got some fenugreek and we are going back Monday for another weight check.  
Jeff keeps saying that the boys are different kids, and it doesn't matter if they are fed differently, and I do believe that. But the LC also said something that nailed it- she said, "I can tell exclusive breastfeeding is important to you." And it is. I don't know why- I know plenty of kids who weren't breastfed at all, and they are all wonderful and healthy and have great parents. And Monday, if James is not gaining, I will be going for formula no questions asked.  But I feel like I have to give this my best shot.  He's been nursing plenty, and gotten several small bottles of expressed milk, and today he has pooped TWICE (and it's only been two days since his last poop). So I'm optimistic.  Either way he'll be fine- he rolled over this morning and is the happiest baby on the planet despite all this.
Nathan had no nightmares Friday night but nightmares again last night- Jeff went in with him again, and thinks the Thomas nightlight might be hurting more than it is helping. So we'll try tonight without it.  Jeff going in and laying down with him may be an okay solution, since the nightmares happen just before Jeff usually goes to bed. 
As for me, I haven't cried since the LC appointment. I'm still going to see my doctor Tuesday, but I feel like we're all on the road back to okay.
(Also, I think the LC totally figured me for sort of dirty hippie mom- when she first saw me I had James in his sling, and she said, "Oooh, I love your sling."  Then when we weighed James- "Oh, I love cloth diapers." Then when we were taking his history- "No epidural? Wow!"  I guess maybe I am. But the no epidural thing was not by choice.  Still, it made me feel a little better than my doctor does- she always reacts to the cloth diapers like I am part Amish.)

Nathan Also Loves Pepperoni and Getting Buckled Into His Stroller

He loves many things. 
Last week started out rocky and ended up okay; this week started out okay and ended up rocky.
To start. James is a skinny baby. This is weird for me, as Nathan was a big baby, and the more people have commented on it, the more I started to wonder if he was okay. (The Y Class teacher said, "He's so skinny. If I didn't see you feed him, I'd worry." For instance.)  So Thursday I weighed myself on the scale at the Y and then weighed myself holding James. And the scale said he weighed 11 lbs. Which cannot be right, as he weighed 11 lbs at his two month checkup.  And he's now almost three and a half months.  So I FREAKED on out, and called the doctor's office. The doctor is out this week, and the nurse seemed unconcerned. She said he was 50th percentile at his last checkup and to just keep feeding him- I don't think she heard me, though, when I said he was breastfed. So my friend called her friend who is a pediatric nurse practitioner, and she agreed, that he's probably fine and can wait til his next appointment for a weight check.  
 But then I looked at my friend's baby, who is 8 weeks younger than James and was 2 lbs smaller at birth, and compared her roly poly arms to James' stick arms, and freaked out some more. (And did I mention that James hates to nurse half the time and also never, ever, ever poops? His record is 11 days between poops.) So I tried to go to a local lactation place, figuring they would be like the Pump Station in Hollywood where I practically lived when Nathan was a baby- they had a scale by the changing table and I figured I could just pop in and weigh James. They said you could only weigh your baby if you'd already been seen, though, which I am sure makes sense for liability reasons or some other reason but sent me into tears.  Fortunately just then I also got a call back from the lactation consultant at the hospital where James was born and we have an appointment tomorrow. I am hoping that we go in, I weigh James, and he is 13 lbs and we have a good laugh at the inaccurate Y scale. But if not, at least I'll be in the right place to start to get some help. I'm not opposed to supplementing if necessary, but every time I think about it I burst into tears (more on that later), so I think it's best that I see the LC first before our pediatrician, who is at best breastfeeding-neutral. (And so am I, really.)
The next thing just started two nights ago but it sent me to the brink pretty quickly.  Nathan woke up Wednesday night due to some sirens and helicopters (what did we move to the suburbs for again?) SCREAMING. When I went in to resettle him he practically leapt out of the crib, grabbing my arm, demanding to go "honk shoo in Mommy's bed." Jeff and I are already sleeping poorly and Buster is very territorial about the bed and that is really the last thing we need, Nathan in bed with us too, but he was pretty inconsolable for a while and finally we let him scream it out.  Which of course woke up James. It happened again last night (minus the sirens) and I totally lost it, not knowing what to do, since my attempts to settle were just met with more screaming. (Including screaming that he wanted to play toys.)  Jeff took over and went in and lay down next to the crib, and it worked- Nathan said this morning, "Daddy pat my back!"  But I don't know if I can take another night, as it always seems to happen right when I am in a deep sleep.
The deep sleep is really no excuse, though, for my reaction last night- I was literally pounding my fists on the stairs in frustration- which combined with the fact that I've been bawling for three days with worry about James has led me to the conclusion that post partum depression has struck again. It could be stress, and it could be sleep deprivation, but neither of those usually reduce me to a teary mess all day. So I made myself an appointment with my doctor Tuesday morning and already feel a bit better, since I've done this before and know it's pretty fixable.  I think if we can just make sure James is okay and get me back on keel we'll be fine.  But in the meantime I'm just going to let it be okay that I've dropped my basket here- I'm picking it back up as quickly as I can.  And I have two very funny little boys to give me a few smiles in the meantime.
Like today, when we went to the mall and Nathan immediately announced "Uh oh! Pee pee!" as he got into the play area. He made it into to the stroller before most of it came out, but it was naturally the one day I forgot to bring spare pants. But fortunately there is a Target right next to the play area and he wound up thinking it was the greatest thing ever when we bought new pants and underpants- "Mommy, I LOVE brown pants! I LOVE new underpants! Thanks, Mommy! MOMMY, I LOVE TARGET POTTY!"  How can you not laugh at that?

I Love You Too, Man

Nathan has been slow to say "I love you."  The closest I get is when I tell him "I love you so much" he will say, "Me too!" Sometimes I'll get a spontaneous "Me too!" and a hug and I know what he means.
So yesterday I was thrilled when he said "Mommy. I love you" and gave me a hug.  Since then though he has declared his love for Daddy, Buster, Y Class, Binkies, Whole Foods, raisins, and Baby James. I'm feeling a little less special.

The Most Luxury Parenting Problem Ever And Its Solution

As I said, I have been having great success (knock wood) putting James down for his afternoon nap just before Nathan's nap. Normally Nathan will play nicely with his trains after lunch and I use that time to nurse and rock James. Except the days when Nathan hears the word nap and wants to go nap immediately as well.
Today when Nathan followed me upstairs saying, "Mommy! My nap! Want my nap! I honk-shoo toooooooooo!" I just said, "Sure, Nathan. But would you like to take one of your trains with you to nap? Why don't you go downstairs and pick one?"
By the time I had James in his crib Nathan was just coming upstairs toting an engine (Ikea- I was sure he was going to go with Percy, what do I know).  "Mommy! Choo choo go honk-shoo too?" He insisted I tuck the engine in. And I felt like a parenting genius.

Solutions

I have solved a few problems this week and feel like a rockstar so I thought I'd share here.
1)TANTRUMS. Nathan was having these epic, monster, 45 minute meltdowns and I was going crazy.  His Y teacher suggested I ignore them, which, duh, I know, and I try to do, but I needed a reminder on how to do it. She said to tell him, "I'll talk to you when you calm down" and then say nothing- no eye contact, nothing.Don't remind him that you'll talk to him when he calms down- he heard me. Etc. I did not have faith this would work and feared I'd ignore him for 45 awful minutes during which he would go ballistic.
Five minutes, actually, and then he was fine. He still starts in on tantrums but they aren't nearly as bad and always end pretty quickly.  And there is the comedy of him screaming "I CALM DOWN! I CALM DOWN!" when he hasn't, yet. Or my saying, "I see you've calmed down. Do you want to talk?" and him saying, "No, I not calm down" even when he clearly has.  Or him announcing "Baby James calm down!" when James stops crying. Heh.
2) The Swaddle Crisis.  James continues to bust out of his swaddle, and it started to get even worse- he was waking up more and more frequently with his arms out, and I worried he'd suffocate or strangle himself getting all wrapped up in it.  I vowed to quit the swaddle cold turkey but he could not fall asleep and stay asleep without it- the most I could get was 20 minutes. Usually the second he fell asleep his hands would fly up, he'd punch himself in the face, and he'd be up.  So I tried swaddling him arms only. I did this with Nathan for months after he kicked himself out of the swaddle, but didn't think it was the problem since James' feet stayed in.  But when I swaddled him arms only, I could get a much tighter swaddle- and he immediately fell back into his old, good, sleep pattern, and didn't break out once. 
3) The Simultaneous Nap Conundrum. For my sanity, I really wanted the boys to nap at the same time. But Weissbluth (WEISSBLUTH!) points out that the morning nap is supposed to develop first, and James' morning nap is always going to be irregular due to the fact that his older brother has stuff to do and James is going to have to just deal and nap in the sling or car. Don't tell Weissbluth.  But without starting with the morning nap I was at a loss as to how to start to get James on a schedule at all, much less a schedule that maximized nap overlap.
Again, Miss Susan at the Y suggested just trying to put James down around the time of Nathan's nap every day regardless. And you know what? It worked. James took his long nap the same time Nathan took his nap 4 out of 5 days last week (and the fifth day was the Great Unswaddled Nap Fail Day).  And is doing it right now. So perhaps Miss Susan actually deserves most of the credit for my parenting success. But I am feeling like I can solve just about anything, for today at least.

Life is Good

When we were in TX we went to eat at the cafe at Hooks Airport out on Steubner-Airline, so Nathan could look at the planes. Nathan was so excited about the planes he did not even want french fries, and Grandpa had to chase him around the whole time.  Before we ate, though, we went out to see a small plane and a couple of women asked if Nathan wanted to sit in the cockpit. Did he?
While Nathan was pretending to fly the plane, one of the women noticed James in the sling and peeked in on him. I expected her to say "How old?" or "He's cute" or one of the things people always say ("He looks so cozy," "Boy or girl?" "She's so pretty" are also popular) when they see him.  Instead she just said, "Life is good."
Right then, I thought, "Yes, life is good."  I resolved then and there to remember that, to remember that I have two beautiful, healthy boys, and I have the luxury of the choice to stay home with them, and I'm so blessed with a wonderful family and fabulous husband and life is good.  I would never complain and just be grateful all the time.
Ha! That lasted a whole day, I think, maybe less.  I forget that I am not good with uncertainty (which my good life is filled with these days- uncertainty in areas ranging from James' nap timing -are they consolidating? Are they not?- to much bigger changes we're trying to make) and very not good at running on less than 8 consecutive hours of sleep a night.  It's only Tuesday, and I am Having a Week.  And I Had a Week last week.  Life is Good, but I suspect I will be Having a Week for weeks to come
We reset ourselves after nap today (and the boys both took naps at the same time two days in a row, which is one for the Life is Good column) and managed to actually have some fun. I have to remind myself how hard it was for me when Nathan was a baby- I do not think I really got a handle on things until he was closer to a year.  Now I have a baby AND a toddler, so of course it's going to take a while to hit my stride. And if I can find an afternoon or two of fun in it all, well, then, life is good.

Re-adjusting

Oh, man, this readjustment to normal home life is kind of killing me. Nathan's sleep got shook up, and James' sleep got shook up, and James is simultaneously undergoing a growth spurt and a partial nursing strike (I do not know what my right boob ever did to him but he HATES it) which is causing all sort of supply mayhem and also Nathan's having these epic, and I mean EPIC (45 minutes was the record) tantrums oh and there were a few days of potty regression in there too for fun. And of course none of this could happen when there were extra family members around- they had to wait til we were back home and Jeff was at work all day and I was outnumbered.
But there have been some bright spots.  Nathan helped me make tomato soup this afternoon and cracked me up with his insistence on trying every ingredient. He would swallow it and declare it "mmmmmm!" even when he clearly could not stand it. (Room temperature chicken broth is not my cup of tea either.) He then declared the finished product "too spicy" even though it was nothing of the sort.
Also, when I was showing James his face in the mirror and asking, "Who's the handsome boy?" I heard a shout from the other room: "NAY NAY!" Not lacking in self-esteem, that one.
He has also stopped getting into my lap when I am holding James and saying, "Two babies!" Now it is "two boys!" He will see me holding James and say, "Two boys, Mommy?" I got upgraded to Mommy from Mama recently, and Jeff is now Daddy, and Buster is now Buster.  And James gets to be a boy, even though he is clearly still a baby. Nathan keeps trying, though, and loves to lean over and chat with him when they are in the stroller or bring James his toys, despite James' inability to play with them. 
These two are definitely kicking my butt most of the time but I still think we'll keep them.

I survived:

a total of FOUR flights (Burbank to Houston with a layover in SLC) with a 2.5 year old and an almost 3 month old all by myself. It was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be but not something I am dying to do again.  I will say the nice thing about traveling with small children is that everyone is either terrified of you and steers clear or is just super, super nice and wonderful.  And that most people were on the side of wonderful.  It also helps that Nathan LOVES airplanes and flying and pretty much knows what to expect (down to announcing "Take off shoes! Put in there!" when we got to security) and that James is a Sleeper, for sure.

It was all worth it though for all the fun they had.  Pictures are here.  

Nathanisms

Nathan's enunciation has been getting so much clearer on so many words- many words he pronounces exactly like you or I would, now, including "yes!" and "almost!" and "Caillou!" 

He still has yet to say "I love you," though. I know he loves me, so, whatevs, but lately when I say "I love you so much!" before putting him to bed, he says, "Me too!" And now sometimes when he gives me a hug he spontaneously says "Me too!" I know what he means.

When we clean up these blocks now (which we do, oh, nine billion times a day), we have to put the lid on and put each block in the right slot. Some of the blocks fit in the other slots and if Nathan catches you putting one in the wrong shaped slot, he will take the lid off, find the block, and make you do it over. "Cean up bocks!" is one of his favorite games. Today I was holding James and he said, "Mama, Bay James cean up bocks!" I put a block in James' hand and held it over the lid. James dropped it immediately. "Almost!" Nathan said. "Almost, Bay James. Yay!"  I think they are going to get along fine.

Two Months!

James is two months old today. I will try to get a picture later, because he is wearing my favorite of all of Nathan's old outfits.  He celebrated by sleeping 10 (!!!!) hours straight through last night. (And then, when he got up at 4, did not really go back to sleep until around 6, but spent those 2 hours just hanging out contentedly in his crib.)  

He's pretty much Practically Perfect in Every Way.  The only fault I can find is that he has the FOULEST smelling gas of any living creature I have ever encountered. It is a mystery, really, how he can make toots that stinky. (I say toot now in an effort to discourage Nathan from using the word 'Fart', which he pronounces by omitting the r and changed the t at the end to a k. That effort is failing and whenever Nathan, James, Jeff or Buster pass gas- I never do such a thing, of course- it winds up with Nathan saying, "Fahk!" and me correcting, "No, toot" and Nathan just yelling "FAHK!" louder and louder until I stop trying to correct him and admit it was, in fact, a fahk.) 

As long as you are not downwind of James, though, it is impossible to not be charmed by him. He LOVES to laugh and smile. I've never met such a happy baby. I think it's all the sleep.

In other news, in case you missed it, we celebrated Dinosaur Week last week. It was a great success.  I ripped off the theme week idea shamelessly from my friend Beth, and it was a good idea.  The best thing we did was ask my family to contribute- my mother sent Nathan her dinosaur memories (and now, Grammy, he thinks you are going to take him to see "Di bones!" at the Smithsonian as well), my grandmother sent book suggestions, my sister Elisabeth made a picture of a Bustersaurus which cracks Nathan up, and my brother Michael made Nathan a PowerPoint. Nathan will be very disappointed when he learns that most PowerPoints are not that awesome.  We are going to Houston in a week and a half, and I am so glad- James has not met any of his aunts or uncles yet, but Nathan misses them so much.  Getting their participation in Dinosaur Week was a nice way to make them seem less far away.