Nathan is currently very into stating where things take place. "I honk-shoo IN MY BED." "Baby James honk-shoo IN HIS CRIB." "Mommy honk-shoo IN DADDY'S BED." (Not sure why it's only Daddy's bed, but it is.) "I hungry AT TABLE." "I hungry AT PARK." ("I hungry" is interchangeable with "I am eating/I ate" for some reason.) My favorite, though, is when there is something he really wants to eat. He'll say, "I eat it? I eat it IN MY MOUTH?" Every time I want to say, "No, child, you have to eat it in your ear."
Normally I'm always talking about Nathan and it seems a little unfair- he does more and says more and is therefore more interesting. Especially since James is SO GOOD- there is not a lot to say about a Practically Perfect Baby. He smiles all the time, he loves his hands, he likes to say "AAAAAAH!" and he's rolling over onto his sides pretty regularly. Today he had his 4 month appt, though, and he took his shots like a champ. He weighed in at 12 lbs, 3 oz- so in the 15th percentile, which was quite a drop from the 50th percentile he was in from birth to 2 months. But a big leap up from three weeks ago when he wasn't even on the charts. We're going back in a month for another weight check, but I think he's going to continue to get back on track. He's also in the 75th percentile for height. Sweet little string bean. (Nathan came to the appt too since he had to get a flu shot. He was very anxious, but the shot was quick, and as soon as it was over he got a bandaid and a lollipop and said, "I love flu shot!")
Yesterday I noticed Nathan started talking about his "trains" instead of his "choo choos." And I had barely gotten used to him switching from Mama to Mommy when he started in with the "Mooooooom!" But the best was last night in the bath- Jeff was downstairs with James and Nathan decided to call him. "JEFF! JEEEEEEEFFFFFFF! Come upstairs, JEFF!"
We told Nathan that the turtle on his poster in his room would protect him from bad dreams and take them away, and that seems to have helped. He got up one morning after a night of howling, scary winds, and cheerfully said, "Turtle 'tect me!" And when he goes to bed he'll say, "I like honk-shoo. Turtle 'tect me." So we solved the nightmare problem pretty easily but he was still waking up (not frightened, but demanding to go play toys or take another bath) and was also starting to fight bedtime and try to bring all his trains to bed with him. (Which meant he was also waking up to either play trains or demand I put his trains back in his crib.) This seemed like a bad road to go down so I thought fast and came up with the most brilliant plan ever. I got a cardboard box, flipped it over, cut some doors into it, and told him it was Tidmouth Sheds. He spent the whole afternoon playing with it, and then before bedtime we lined up all the trains, brushed their teeth, gave them baths, and put them to bed in Tidmouth Sheds. (I had to sing them a song, too.) And voila- Nathan too went to bed like his old self. He wakes them up when he gets up, and is a bit bossy about making sure they ALL get their teeth brushed, but it's been great. In fact, once they are all in bed, he'll say, "I take bath now! HOORAY!" and rush upstairs. When in doubt with Nathan, add a new routine. That child loves a routine. And, bonus, all the trains get put away each night. ---- James is gaining weight like a CHAMP, and we are still nursing, although I made the mistake of picking up The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding at the library thinking it would be helpful and man, the attitude of La Leche League kind of makes me want to run for the nearest can of Enfamil. I'm glad that I'm still nursing, but I'm pretty sure that's not what makes a Good Mother. Anyway. ---- For those of you who are not my Facebook Friend, Nathan has become OBSESSED with Manny Ramirez. We talk about Manny all the time. Nathan kind of freaked out when the paper ran a picture of Manny without his hat- "Manny have NO HAT!" and was so relieved to see Manny playing with a hat. We watched some Dodgers together and he is the funniest commentator- he will announce "This one running! This one no running." He cannot tell what the managers are doing on the field- "This one play baseball?" he'll ask, confused. He thinks Matt Kemp is named Makip and will cheer anyone even if they hit a foul ball. "Makip hit ball! Yay Makip!" When "Manny turn all done," though, he usually loses interest. He also vividly remembers his Dodgers game this summer and will remind me, "I go see Dodgers with Gee-ca (Grandpa) and Daddy. I have hot dog."
At playgroup today I was nursing Baby James and Nathan and a friend came running up to give me some necklaces they'd found, and another mom said, "Hey, Mardi Gras beads!" and I said, "Well, I guess I am showing my boobies."
So we went to Target Tuesday to get some Halloween stuff. Kind of a mistake, since Nathan is scared of things like acoustic guitars and storytime- the aisle where things jump out freaked him out, but he was very brave and just told me to go the other way. (And it didn't seem to bring back his nightmares, thank goodness.) We picked out a plate for him with a pumpkin on it (the placemat I suggested was too scary) and we talked about how we were going to get our Halloween stuff out and put out the pumpkins. "Pumpkins NOT make noise," Nathan told me. Yesterday I got the Halloween box out during his nap and when he came downstairs he lost his mind. "Mah pumpkin! Mah pumpkin!!!" He immediately dragged everything out and dictated where I put all the decorations (so the pumpkin lights are strung from the spare chairs at the kitchen table) and tried to put the pumpkin candy dish on his head. When he saw last year's monkey costume, he demanded to put it on. And then he tried to go trick or treating. He immediately told me all about how Halloween works: "Put candy in dere. I eat candy in my mouth. Mmmmmmmmm." He's so ready. (Although the monkey costume is too small this year.) We wound up just going around the yard and he collected five leaves, an action figure he had hidden in a bush earlier this week and then acted like it was lost, and a business card for a house painting company.
In other news, Baby James is nursing like there is no tomorrow. We go back to the LC tomorrow and I'm optimistic. Mainly because I've got a little perspective on things now and my main feeling about all this is profound relief that he's fine and that he's eating again- if he needs to have formula too, that's fine, and if he doesn't, that's fine too. He also cut his first two teeth today at a mere 3 and a half months old. (Which I think may have caused his nursing refusals previously, if he was working on those for a while.) And I saw my doctor, too, who diagnosed mild PPD. I think the drop in the nursings may have been the trigger, but am less concerned about what caused it than I am feeling glad that I caught it so early and am feeling better already. I have two boys to dress up in Halloween costumes this year and I want to enjoy every second of that.
James was up a half ounce, which did not seem like a lot, but the LC pointed out it had only been 48 hours and gaining was a turnaround from losing. And then I nursed him, and was worried since he barely nursed (even less than normal) because he was too busy trying to flirt with the LC- but we weighed him again and in the three minutes he nursed he took in almost 3 ounces. The LC says that's tremendously good. Also, now, (and this is WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, don't say I didn't warn you), when you compress my breast I can spray milk. Which means my milk supply is on its way back. If I had any doubts, the way James nursed after we got done confirmed it- he nursed at the park, he asked to nurse during Nathan's dinner, and he nursed again before bed. Apparently he is thrilled that the milk is back. And so am I. This morning I did a lot of thinking about just *how* important breastfeeding is to me. It's important enough that I'm willing to let things go around the house for a week or so (frozen dinners, etc) to get it back on track. It's not important enough that I'm willing to keep doing that if it means I miss out on having fun with James and Nathan. But I did not miss out today- James and Nathan both went to their Y classes (Nathan even let me put James in childwatch for his class) and had so much fun. James continues to act like a much older baby, even imitating the teacher's noises. Nathan learned how to jump today and is so proud of himself. In nightmare news, last night was a better night. I think the thing is that bedtime gets so crazy around here these days (James is usually fussing while I try to get Nathan to bed- if I try to put James down first, Nathan runs around James' room screaming, which is worse) and I think that has been stressing Nathan out. So when I put Nathan to bed, I tell him I'm going to come back and check on him once I get James to bed. And then I do. The nights I've done this so far have been good. We'll see if it takes. His Y teacher also suggested we talk more about what is real and what is pretend. I asked him today if he knew the difference between real and pretend. "Yes!" "Okay, Nathan, what is something that is real?" "Sky!" "That's right, the sky is real. What is something that is pretend?" "Cowboy music!" (He is being forced to listen to a lot of Western Swing these days.)
It's not even 9 AM and I am pumping for the second time today. So, yesterday, I took James to the LC and we got him on the scale. He weighed in at 10 lbs and 6 oz- a full 10 ounces less than he had weighed 6 weeks prior. I promptly burst into tears, of course. But the LC (with the hospital where James was born) was wonderful, and we figured out pretty quickly that my milk supply had basically plummeted- due in part to James' long stretches of night sleep, and his nursing only every 3 hours, and his short nursings, and the fact that he has a very distracting big brother. When I first had Nathan, there was a mom in our breastfeeding group with supply issues, and she would pump after every nursing, and I remember thinking, "That is cuckoo. If it came to that, I'd just go to formula." And when the LC prescribed fenugreek capsules, and pumping 6-8 times a day, my first thought was, "That is cuckoo, no way." But I took home a hospital grade pump (and it is amazing compared to the Pump In Style) and got some fenugreek and we are going back Monday for another weight check. Jeff keeps saying that the boys are different kids, and it doesn't matter if they are fed differently, and I do believe that. But the LC also said something that nailed it- she said, "I can tell exclusive breastfeeding is important to you." And it is. I don't know why- I know plenty of kids who weren't breastfed at all, and they are all wonderful and healthy and have great parents. And Monday, if James is not gaining, I will be going for formula no questions asked. But I feel like I have to give this my best shot. He's been nursing plenty, and gotten several small bottles of expressed milk, and today he has pooped TWICE (and it's only been two days since his last poop). So I'm optimistic. Either way he'll be fine- he rolled over this morning and is the happiest baby on the planet despite all this. Nathan had no nightmares Friday night but nightmares again last night- Jeff went in with him again, and thinks the Thomas nightlight might be hurting more than it is helping. So we'll try tonight without it. Jeff going in and laying down with him may be an okay solution, since the nightmares happen just before Jeff usually goes to bed. As for me, I haven't cried since the LC appointment. I'm still going to see my doctor Tuesday, but I feel like we're all on the road back to okay. (Also, I think the LC totally figured me for sort of dirty hippie mom- when she first saw me I had James in his sling, and she said, "Oooh, I love your sling." Then when we weighed James- "Oh, I love cloth diapers." Then when we were taking his history- "No epidural? Wow!" I guess maybe I am. But the no epidural thing was not by choice. Still, it made me feel a little better than my doctor does- she always reacts to the cloth diapers like I am part Amish.)
He loves many things. Last week started out rocky and ended up okay; this week started out okay and ended up rocky. To start. James is a skinny baby. This is weird for me, as Nathan was a big baby, and the more people have commented on it, the more I started to wonder if he was okay. (The Y Class teacher said, "He's so skinny. If I didn't see you feed him, I'd worry." For instance.) So Thursday I weighed myself on the scale at the Y and then weighed myself holding James. And the scale said he weighed 11 lbs. Which cannot be right, as he weighed 11 lbs at his two month checkup. And he's now almost three and a half months. So I FREAKED on out, and called the doctor's office. The doctor is out this week, and the nurse seemed unconcerned. She said he was 50th percentile at his last checkup and to just keep feeding him- I don't think she heard me, though, when I said he was breastfed. So my friend called her friend who is a pediatric nurse practitioner, and she agreed, that he's probably fine and can wait til his next appointment for a weight check. But then I looked at my friend's baby, who is 8 weeks younger than James and was 2 lbs smaller at birth, and compared her roly poly arms to James' stick arms, and freaked out some more. (And did I mention that James hates to nurse half the time and also never, ever, ever poops? His record is 11 days between poops.) So I tried to go to a local lactation place, figuring they would be like the Pump Station in Hollywood where I practically lived when Nathan was a baby- they had a scale by the changing table and I figured I could just pop in and weigh James. They said you could only weigh your baby if you'd already been seen, though, which I am sure makes sense for liability reasons or some other reason but sent me into tears. Fortunately just then I also got a call back from the lactation consultant at the hospital where James was born and we have an appointment tomorrow. I am hoping that we go in, I weigh James, and he is 13 lbs and we have a good laugh at the inaccurate Y scale. But if not, at least I'll be in the right place to start to get some help. I'm not opposed to supplementing if necessary, but every time I think about it I burst into tears (more on that later), so I think it's best that I see the LC first before our pediatrician, who is at best breastfeeding-neutral. (And so am I, really.) The next thing just started two nights ago but it sent me to the brink pretty quickly. Nathan woke up Wednesday night due to some sirens and helicopters (what did we move to the suburbs for again?) SCREAMING. When I went in to resettle him he practically leapt out of the crib, grabbing my arm, demanding to go "honk shoo in Mommy's bed." Jeff and I are already sleeping poorly and Buster is very territorial about the bed and that is really the last thing we need, Nathan in bed with us too, but he was pretty inconsolable for a while and finally we let him scream it out. Which of course woke up James. It happened again last night (minus the sirens) and I totally lost it, not knowing what to do, since my attempts to settle were just met with more screaming. (Including screaming that he wanted to play toys.) Jeff took over and went in and lay down next to the crib, and it worked- Nathan said this morning, "Daddy pat my back!" But I don't know if I can take another night, as it always seems to happen right when I am in a deep sleep. The deep sleep is really no excuse, though, for my reaction last night- I was literally pounding my fists on the stairs in frustration- which combined with the fact that I've been bawling for three days with worry about James has led me to the conclusion that post partum depression has struck again. It could be stress, and it could be sleep deprivation, but neither of those usually reduce me to a teary mess all day. So I made myself an appointment with my doctor Tuesday morning and already feel a bit better, since I've done this before and know it's pretty fixable. I think if we can just make sure James is okay and get me back on keel we'll be fine. But in the meantime I'm just going to let it be okay that I've dropped my basket here- I'm picking it back up as quickly as I can. And I have two very funny little boys to give me a few smiles in the meantime. Like today, when we went to the mall and Nathan immediately announced "Uh oh! Pee pee!" as he got into the play area. He made it into to the stroller before most of it came out, but it was naturally the one day I forgot to bring spare pants. But fortunately there is a Target right next to the play area and he wound up thinking it was the greatest thing ever when we bought new pants and underpants- "Mommy, I LOVE brown pants! I LOVE new underpants! Thanks, Mommy! MOMMY, I LOVE TARGET POTTY!" How can you not laugh at that?
Nathan has been slow to say "I love you." The closest I get is when I tell him "I love you so much" he will say, "Me too!" Sometimes I'll get a spontaneous "Me too!" and a hug and I know what he means. So yesterday I was thrilled when he said "Mommy. I love you" and gave me a hug. Since then though he has declared his love for Daddy, Buster, Y Class, Binkies, Whole Foods, raisins, and Baby James. I'm feeling a little less special.
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