Mama Tried

Anxiety

Now that I know what kind of baby I'm having everything seems very Real and Soon.  And the fact that so many things are undecided about next year (Nathan: preschool or not? Double stroller or not double stroller and if so, which kind? Move Nathan into toddler bed or keep him in crib?) are sending me into a panic. I keep remembering how before Nathan was born I was quite sure I had everything planned out- every minute of our daily schedule from how I would still work out to when I would drop him off/pick him up at daycare. And absolutely none of that plan came to fruition.  

Which should make me much more zen but instead it is making me all the MORE anxious that I don't know what our schedule will look like or how on earth we will manage two children. I had started Nathan in a Toddler Class last fall (basically Mommy and Me) with the expectation that we'd transition from Toddler to Preschool this coming September.  But he'll only barely be 2 and a half, and the closer September gets the more we think he won't be ready. Which is fine- he can not go and still have two years of preschool which is plenty, and we can continue the toddler class, and I think we are going to look at joining the Y so he can have some "active" classes, too. But it means I'll be home all week with two children and no break and honestly, I am not entirely sure I'm cut out for that.  Hence the double stroller panic as I have it in my head that if we have a really good one we'll take lots of walks to the park and Trader Joe's and even the mall. 

I know in my head it's going to be chaos for several months, maybe even a year, and then it'll be all nice and lovely and routinized like it is now with Nathan.  But I keep thinking about how nice and easy things are right now and wonder why we wanted to mess that up? Then I see a baby and want to eat its cheeks and figure that must be the reason.

Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound this afternoon. I was pretty anxious leading up to it because a)it's 18 weeks! They can determine the gender! and b)they had seen a cyst on the umbilical cord at the first ultrasound.  My OB had told me that the cyst would almost assuredly resolve itself by the next ultrasound, and put off most of my "But what if it doesn't??" questions with "It almost definitely will."   I was still anxious about it but trying not to freak out about something that was most likely nothing.

Before I found out Nathan was a boy I was positive he was a girl. It really did not occur to me that I would have a boy, and it took some adjusting to the idea.  This time, I was mostly preoccupied with thinking that really it being healthy was most important due to the cyst situation.  But everything was so different this time- I had awful morning sickness, I was more tired, I was far more forgetful, I was putting on less weight and it was all in my belly instead of everywhere- that I was beginning to be sure this one was a girl. It seemed like evidence, all the differences, and when this one started moving and seemed to move all the freaking time, I figured yet one more thing girl fetuses must do differently. Jeff and I even focused mainly on girl names- we have been having trouble with names in general for this one, as Nathan was a name with a lot of meaning that we ALSO loved and is a tough act to follow. We finally settled last week on a girl name that seemed equal.  The only boy name we tossed around was Zevon, which I love in theory but am not sure is a good idea in practice.

At the ultrasound today I had a new tech who was very chatty and although she said she's not actually supposed to give any results, she could not see any sign of the cyst. (I asked about the cyst, and she said, "What cyst?" and then looked at my earlier report and triple checked the umbilical cord.)    She also commented on how active this baby was- and I could see, in fact, this baby apparently waving like crazy. Like he knew he was on camera.  Or he just wanted some attention.

Because he is also a boy.  I will spare you the ultrasound she printed out with an arrow pointing to the pertinent parts and "It's a boy!!!!" typed in, but it was pretty clear.  Unlike with Nathan, where I was just shocked, this time I wasn't surprised, but did feel a twinge of disappointment. Which seems silly- I wouldn't trade Nathan for another child of any gender, and I am already pretty attached to this one, too.  I suppose just because we're only planning on two, and I will be missing out on pig tails and all that. But if he is half as awesome as Nathan he will be perfect, and I cannot wait to meet him.

What Would You Have Done?

Today was rainy and when Nathan is home for extended amounts of time he whines and demands to watch too much TV and have snacks every twenty minutes, so we took two trips to two different malls.  

At the second mall, I was standing near the entrance to the play area when a boy who looked to be maybe five? six? seven? (he was in what appeared to be a school uniform- white shirt and navy pants) came up to me as he took his shoes off and said, "My mom said to come here and play. She's shopping. That's okay, right?" I was not really sure what to say as in my opinion, that's not actually okay. (And in the opinion of the big play area sign. Of course, the big play area sign also forbids food and drinks and I was drinking a Dr Pepper, so I couldn't really use that as my guidepost.)  He kept coming back to me to say, "It's okay. I'm not worried." And the more he did that, the more worried I got. I sent a Twitter in the vain hope someone on Twitter would know exactly what to do.  And then I saw a security guard and explained the situation to him.

Honestly, I kept thinking the whole time that surely his mother was going to come up and ask him why he kept talking to me. Especially once I was then talking to the security guard. And then when the security guard and I approached the boy, he burst into tears, saying "Now my mom is going to jail!"  I assured him that no, she was not, as the security guard started asking if he knew his mother's cell number, and then Nathan was Very Ready To Go (when he is ready to leave the mall play area he tries to climb into his stroller), and I figured I really did not want to be around when the boy was reunited with his mother anyway (cowardice, I know).  A second security guard joined the first one and I left. 

I called my mother on the way home who assured me she would have done the same thing, and I am pretty sure I did, as well (at least I know I would have felt even worse if I had done nothing), but I still feel terribly unsettled. I suppose the best case scenario is that he slipped away and his mother will be thrilled to find him, and the worst case scenario is that he has a not great home situation that I just made much worse. (My mother suggested perhaps he was being used for some sort of scam and asked if my wallet was in place- it was.)

If I had stuck around and seen his mother, I would have told her that I just wanted to make sure her son was okay.  But I'm still not sure whether I did enough, or too much, or anything to actually make sure of that.  

I hope to not run across this situation again, but am curious- what would y'all have done?

Inauguration Day

We've been trying to explain Obama to Nathan since long before the election, which is probably pointless because Nathan, at not yet 2, doesn't know what a President is or, thank god, anything about this country's history of racial inequality.  (He does know that we think former President Bush is a doodyhead but is too polite to make a raspberry every time he sees him no matter how much his rude and tacky parents encourage him to do so.)

Last night I tried again to tell Nathan about how Obama was going to be President, and he only got interested when I mentioned that Obama plays basketball every day. "Ba-ball?"  This morning I put on my Obama shirt and Nathan pointed to the O and asked, "Ball?"  (All o's are balls to him.)

I put on C-Span at 8, and Nathan was riveted by the motorcade. "Car? Mo' car? Car? Mo' car? Aish Car??" (Car, more car, car, more care, lights car?) As the parade of dignitaries and former presidents came through, I tried to tell Nathan about some of the former presidents who weren't there. I told him about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.  I told him about how Lyndon Johnson made sure everyone could vote, no matter what color their skin was, and how he made it illegal to discriminate or segregate schools or housing. (When we read Dodgers 101 we always talk about how Jackie Robinson made it so anyone could play baseball as long as they were a good player, so I tried to tie it into that, as well as being judged by the content of one's character, which we've talked a lot about this past week. Well, I have talked, Nathan I am sure doesn't understand.)

Once the cars were gone, Nathan was mostly thrilled with the fact that I let him have his snack on the couch while we watched everything else.  That is change he can believe in, but unfortunately for him not a permanent change.  When Obama was sworn in, though, Nathan crawled into my lap- and I can't imagine any better spot to view the inauguration than the one where I was holding my son.  I cried, and Nathan looked at the TV and at my shirt and for the first time said, "Obama?" 

Four years from now Nathan may have a vague sense of who the President is. Eight years from now he may have even more- he will probably at that point participate in mock elections, and will take his parents' side (just like in my elementary school, where we all voted for Reagan.  Four years later I was leading the class campaign for Jesse Jackson, though, and our Facebook statuses seem to show that most of us wouldn't vote for Reagan now).  But someday he will learn and understand history, and I hope he is glad that he saw this day.

One Nap McGoo

Nathan's sleep schedule for the past six months, maybe longer, has been utterly predictable.  Up at 6, down for a nap from around 8:30-9:30, down for another nap from 12:30-2 or so, and to bed by 6. Part of my fear of dropping the morning nap was my fear of change but mostly it was my fear that it would turn him into an unbearable ogre in the mornings.  (And also my fear of losing that nice break.)  

Monday and Tuesday Nathan was up at 6, down for a nap from 12-2 or 1-3, and in bed by 6. His mood was wonderful all morning, and he got nearly the exact same amount of sleep, and nothing really changed THAT much. 

Then this morning he was awoken by a 5:30 AM poop (which I hate far worse than, say, the rare 3 AM poop- at 3 you can change and put back to bed, but 5:30 is so close to wakeup time you really can't).  And while he was temperamentally fine all morning, we had nothing scheduled, so it really, really dragged, despite lots of fingerpainting and a trip to the pet store and plenty of running around in the backyard.  And then he was very ready for a nap at noon--- but got up at 1. An hour later! I could not believe it. He was just kind of chattery for about 20 minutes but then he was UP, and he did not have any excuse. 

So of course the afternoon was kind of straggly, and we wound up resorting to going to the park so he could climb up and down a hill while watching a pickup basketball game.  When we got home, Buster and I both desperately needed to go for a walk, and of course Nathan pitched an epic tantrum over getting into the stroller. An epic tantrum I ignored and which, a half block into the walk, ceased. Nathan barely stayed awake the rest of the walk, but made it through supper and music time and then of course ran into a wall right as I was getting him ready for his bath. He was so upset and then he peed on the carpet which only upset him more (he stood there, peeing, saying, "Noooo. Nooooo. Nooo." I told him it was okay and he could pee in the potty or in his diaper next time but he seemed so embarassed.)  Ugh. So he was very, very ready for bed at 6 tonight.

Of course, reading that, it sounds like today was awful, but it wasn't. After he ran into the wall, he came back and got a hug from me, and gave the wall the funniest look ever- very suspicious, like he was waiting for the wall to try something else. It was absolutely adorable and almost worth the distress of the wall-bonk. And I have finally figured out the solution to his desire to run around naked for hours before bedtime- I let him run around for a bit, and then go sit in his chair and just hold up whatever book we are going to read. He races to the chair and lets me dress him.

This is, quite possibly, the trait I am most pleased with in him- his love of reading. We checked out this book from the library this week and every time he leaves his room he walks over to it and says, "Bye bye, Goal," wistfully. During the straggly part of the afternoon I tried to put on some Sesame Street but he grabbed the remote and 123 California and said, "Book! Book!" demanding that I turn it off and read to him instead. Having a child that likes reading as much as television is going to make me insufferably smug, I just know it. 

He also painted a circle and when I called it a circle, looked at me like I was an idiot. "BALL."  He's not yet 2 and he can draw a ball. I should tell you the things he informed me were Mama and Daddy looked NOTHING like us, so he's not an artistic prodigy or anything. That's another plus of being around a toddler, though- he is the only person on the planet impressed with MY ability to draw things.

And when we went to the pet store, he ran over and got one of the tennis balls and then tried to head for the bunny rabbit cage to see if any of the bunny rabits wanted to play ball. (They did not, and I did not let him get anywhere near the rabbits until I was holding him.)  Then we watched the rabbits for quite a bit and saw two of them kissing- I said, "Oh, would you like a bunny kiss?" Nathan nodded his head vigorously and leaned down towards the rabbits. He was quite distressed when we left without a kiss.

So the one hour nap/ensuing crankiness was unbearable, but fortunately for Nathan he is sweet enough I'm not ready to trade him in over it. Yet. 

Updates

Jeff left town for four days and I have been complaining about it a LOT because I am also sick and being the only parent is hard enough when you are not sick.  But the truth is it hasn't been that bad- Nathan has been delightful (he figured out how to do a zerbert on my belly and I am not ashamed to admit we did that for half an hour yesterday afternoon and I have never laughed so hard) and we've done lots of activities where he runs around like a madmand and I sit, so I'm surviving.

I was going to drop his morning nap, too, but with Jeff gone I needed that time to shower. But while Nathan gladly goes down for his morning nap, he is quiet for about 20 minutes, then babbles contentedly for 20-40 more, and I think he can skip it. I'm hoping that will make his afternoon nap last longer, so it is my big plan for tomorrow. 

Nathan's big move forward this week involved playground equipment- he has never liked the playground equipment with the holes in it, and refuses to stand up and walk on it, and is usually pretty timid about crawling on it (he would prefer it if you held his hand).  But we went to a universally accessible playground in Calabasas this week and all the climbing areas had a very slow, gradual ascent- so Nathan walked right on to them. And then was able to do it at school and at church.  I know he's made a big leap forward when the nursery leader at church comments on it- she could not believe how suddenly fearless he was.  Which is a good thing, I suppose, but I will admit having a timid toddler was kind of nice.

While he may be fearless now, he is still very loving- he will run around like a maniac but will always periodically come back to me for a hug. He's missed having Jeff around terribly (whenever he wakes up he goes to our bedroom asking "Dada? DA?" looking in the bed, in the bathroom, everywhere.  The other day at breakfast someone (Buster, let's say) passed gas and Nathan looked up and shrieked "DA!"  Heh. 

In other news, I very much regret ever buying markers for him. People, do not buy markers for your not yet two year old.  Nathan knows not to color anywhere but the paper or dry erase board, but of course he does accidentally sometimes color on his table or the side of the easel, and then he points to it and says, "Noooooo." He also likes to color on me, and then I take the markers away, and then when he naps I hide them, and then he whines and begs for them for days until I cave.  (I keep thinking if I just don't cave he will forget about them, and then I remember the one time in September they had a bubble table at school, and how every week he still goes over to that table and asks, "Bubbles?" He will never forget about the damn markers.)

I also wish he did not pronounce "color" exactly like "car" because I can never tell if he just wants me to draw, or if he wants me to draw him a car. He pronounces water and Wonder Pets the same way, too (Wawa) but it's usually fairly easy to determine which one of those he means. (If he has climbed up on the couch and is pointing to the TV, he wants to watch Wonder Pets. If he is already watching Wonder Pets, he wants water.)

Happy New Year

Judging by the babbling coming from the next room, perhaps 2009 will be when Nathan finally drops his morning nap. (Is he the only 21 month old on the planet who still takes two naps? I think so.)

Other new things- words he picked up in Houston included "pool" (he did not go IN the pool, but he could see it from the kitchen table), "No" (which he usually says in an adorable way- "Nathan, do you want to change your stinky?" "Nooooooo," while shaking his head pitifully.  Or, when he accidentally draws on the table instead of the paper- "No?") and "Uh Oh!"  Words he started using more last week are "Car!" (and woe unto you if you try to tell him a pickup truck is a truck. It is a CAR.) and "Cookie" (thanks a lot Aunt Elisabeth.)

On our return flights we were in the aisle and middle seats and asked the window seat person each time if they minded trading, "since he does a lot better when he can look out the window. He loves looking out the window." The first time we did it, as soon as we got to the window seat, Nathan dove to the side immediately, smushing his whole face up against the window to watch the airport action. "Hell yeah he likes looking out the window," said the guy who gave up his seat. (Thanks again, guy.)

We have also belatedly switched to cloth diapering- not doing that was my big regret, and we got a few all in one diapers from a friend, and decided, what the heck. It's going well- it's so easy, actually. And Jeff, who was the big Resister, has changed several stinky cloth diapers without complaint.  So I think that'll be our big investment for Baby Number 2- cloth diapers. Which is good, because between that and picking a double stroller I think I have enough to obsess over to make me feel like I am not totally neglecting my second born. Seriously, with Nathan we pored over the Week by Week pregnancy book and I read and reread each chapter of What to Expect over the course of each month. With this one, I'm like, "Oh, I'm pregnant? That's right. I knew there was a good reason I was wearing sweatpants everywhere." I am pretty sure the healthy attitude is somewhere in between.