Mama Tried

Unnecessary Worry

Thanks all for the support. Nathan is now in bed and today went fine. As soon as I wrote that post, in fact, I thought, "You are way overthinking this."  

It helps that James is an easygoing baby who will let you plop him down anywhere.  It helps that I can already tote him around with one arm, nursing him, while having my other hand free.  It helps that Jeff got up early to make sure coffee got made and he had some quality time with the boys.  It helps that Nathan is back to his normal sweet self.

It also helps that for whatever reason- more sleep?- no PPD?- experience?- I am more confident this time around.  One time when Nathan was a newborn we came home and Buster had pooped inside on the floor and I just lost it- I remember calling Jeff at work, literally not sure how to handle it.  

Tonight? There was a daddy longlegs in the bathtub when I went to pour Nathan's bath. I didn't blink, and just grabbed some toilet paper and flushed it.  While holding a baby and directing a two year old to brush his teeth.  

I am sure there are going to be rough days ahead, but I am glad I started out with an easy one.

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Nathan's new thing today is climbing on my lap when I am holding James and saying, "Two babies!" It is ridiculously sweet and cute.  Also, "If You're Happy and You Know It" came on when we were riding in the car and Nathan was clapping his hands and turned to James and said, "Baby, clap hands!" and then showed him. Having two is fun.

Fear of Tomorrow

I was reading this article and got to the end and had to sit and think about this part:

"Claire Shipman, Mr. Carney’s wife and a correspondent on “Good Morning America” on ABC, often handles bath time and bedtime for their daughter and son, 7.

“The first few months, we all thought, ‘This is so exciting!’ — and it is exciting,” Ms. Shipman said. “But I have to say, starting about a month ago, it really kicked in that I could really use a little more help.”

First of all, is bathtime and bedtime for a 4 and 7 year old really that hard to handle on one's own? I was desperately hoping that at sometime in the future it would get easier, and if you are telling me it doesn't, Ms. Shipman, I am in trouble. Second of all, if fancy high powered ambitious DC types have difficulty wrangling two kids on their own, I am in MAJOR trouble.  Jeff goes back to work tomorrow and does not get home until 8 PM.  Which was fine, for the past two years, but is not so fine now that I have a toddler who goes to bed at 6 and a newborn who tends to want to clusterfeed from 4-6.  Bathtime already terrifies me and I haven't had to do it on my own yet. (Bathtime for Nathan. We are lazy second time parents and have given James exactly one sponge bath in the past 12 days.)

I'm actually quite sure everything is going to fall apart tomorrow- how are we both going to shower? How are we going to eat breakfast? How is Jeff going to get out the door on time? And then what am I going to do if it's a whole day of "No, Mama! Hold Nay-Nay! Baby Bounce Seat!!!" I suppose in the worst case scenario I just put Curious George on an endless loop, no?

I know a million people have handled a newborn and a toddler on their own and I am sure after a while I'll find my groove, too. I just hate the unknown, and tomorrow's a whole new unknown. 

For right now, though, both boys have been napping for two hours and I finished all of both newspapers, including the crossword and acrostic, so at least I am fortified with some "me" time. And I'll be milking every second of having Jeff here for the rest of the day.  Wish me luck tomorrow.

One Week In

James could not be more of a different type of newborn than Nathan was.  For one, James looks exactly, and I mean exactly, like I did, while Nathan was a carbon copy of newborn Jeff.  (My mother said, after holding him, that it was the seventh baby she had held to look just like that. The six of us all looked the same, to the extent that we're not really sure who this is.)

And he sleeps. For hours at a time. The first few days I had to wake him to eat. It was very unnerving to me, and I keep checking to make sure he is breathing. With Nathan you always knew he was breathing because of the fussing. James, though, only fusses when you change his diaper.  And when he gets up at night, we change him, I feed him, and then... he goes back down. No rocking, no bouncing on a yoga ball, no anxious "Is it safe to put him down or is he going to wake back up?" scrutinizing of his face for signs he isn't in a deep sleep yet.  Don't get me wrong, he is still up every 2-3 hours demanding to eat, but he has slept more this week than Nathan did his whole first month.

He also is happy, when he is awake, to just be... set down on his bouncy seat or on a blanket.  Nathan does not like this ("Mama, hold baby!") but it means I can fix Nathan's lunch or run his bath.  Sometimes you can even lay James down in his bassinet and he'll just fall asleep on his own.  (He also naps in his bassinet, instead of in a swing or being held, which means I get to spend time with Nathan and see Nathan's bewilderment at finding the white crayon "no work!")  

Nathan's having some adjustment issues- he does not like it when I feed James and will say, "No, Daddy hold baby! Mama hold Nay-Nay."  But I've taken a very lenient stance on Curious George watching during feedings which seems to be helping. Today Nathan even let me read him a book while I nursed James. 

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and James to turn into a "normal" newborn, but in the meantime am enjoying how content he seems.  My mother left yesterday and while I cried a little right after, for today I think we are holding it together as a family of four. I'm terrified of what will happen when Jeff goes back to work but try to just focus on the fact that he is here today. We took both boys for a walk early this morning and I managed to get James in the baby carrier and Nathan in the stroller and Buster on a leash all by myself, so I'm feeling somewhat competent. We'll see.

Fastest Labor In the West (Or Longest, Depending on How You Look at It)

A few weeks ago I was talking to a woman who was due around the time I was and who was also 3 cm dilated and had been having contractions. I said my worst nightmare was to not get to the hospital in time to have the baby- she said hers was getting there but not in time for an epidural.  I was like, thanks, hadn't even thought of that one, but should have taken note.

Tuesday I was scheduled for an 8 a.m. induction.  At 4:30 a contraction woke me up- no big deal, I had been having them for weeks, but since I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep decided to take a shower. I had another one when I was done with the shower and it was intense enough I decided to wake Jeff.  He asked if he should get my mom up and I wasn't sure.  But they were 10 minutes apart so I figured we should to give her and Jeff time to shower "just in case" this wasn't a false alarm.  

They both went to shower and my contractions went from every 10 to 6 to 5 minutes in that time and I grabbed a popsicle and told my mom actually, we should go. (Before her shower I had said we should wait til they were every 5 minutes for an hour but they went from 5 to 3 minutes apart immediately.) Nathan was asleep and I figured we'd have time for my mom to drop me off and Jeff to get Nathan up and fed before she drove them back and dropped Jeff off.  That way my mom and Nathan would have the car all morning and also she drives much faster than Jeff.

By the time we got to the hospital I was feeling the urge to push.At the ER checkin I was glad they had my file ready and they wheeled me off to Labor and Delivery.  The nurse there handed me a gown and as I got up to change I told her I thought I had to poop (sorry, but I did) which are apparently the magic words to freak everyone in L&D out- they whisked me to a labor and delivery room and about 8 nurses all swarmed in to get me changed and assessed. I still thought things would take a while so I sent my mom back to get Jeff (this was around 5:45.)

As it turns out I was fully dilated and the baby was at a +1 station. I asked, "Does this mean I don't get an epidural?" The nurse informed me that I wasn't getting anything. (I kind of hated her right then but she did seem sorry to tell me that.) They told me not to push while they tried to reach the doctor on call.

The nurse who I had seen when I thought my water had broken showed up and I was so relieved to see a familiar face. It became apparent that the doctor, who was still 10 minutes or so away, was not going to make it and I couldn't stop from pushing any more. So I did, and two pushes later, that nurse had delivered a ginormous (8 lbs, 7 oz) blond baby, James Aaron- about 15 minutes after I arrived at the hospital.  I know many people who have had and enjoyed natural childbirth, but unlike, say, when I ran a 5K, my first thought was not, "I want to do that again!" but, "THANK GOD THAT IS OVER NEVER AGAIN."

Jeff showed up as the doctor was stitching me up and at first thought he had the wrong room when he saw James in the warmer.  He and my mother both felt very bad about not being there- if we'd known, obviously we'd have done things differently, but honestly, all they really missed was 15 minutes of very loud screaming.  My doctor later told me that was why he wanted to induce- he feared it would go fast and wanted to make sure things were controlled- and to be fair to him he did WARN me labor would go fast if it happened on its own since the early part had already happened. 

James is an angel- he has taken to eating and sleeping like a champ, and is as mellow as Nathan was furious as a newborn.  The hospital stay was.. interesting. The hospital was overcrowded, so I was in a shared  room with a 16 year old second time mother, and I was glad to only stay one night. Although the nurses at Providence Holy Cross are amazing, despite the fact they clearly had too many patients.  Unlike at Cedars I never felt ignored or like I was bothering them when I needed something- they were the high point of the stay.  

We got home last night and Nathan was thrilled to see me when he woke up this morning.  He asked where the baby was before he got out of the crib and has been so cute all day- he does NOT want me to put James down on a blanket, ever (apparently he remembers that when he was a baby he liked to be held?) and instead of being jealous of James' binky, as I feared, wants to make sure James has it at all times.  Him kissing James on the head is the cutest thing ever and sitting in a chair with both of them, reading a story? Too much fun.  James appears to be one of the sleeping variety of newborn which may go a long way to my forgiving him for not getting that epidural.

Toddler and Baby News

Nathan continues to blow my mind with the things he's learning. He will sort of count sometimes, in the same way he does his alphabet (the alphabet is O...B...Y...D...O- counting is 2...3....SIX!) but today picked up two stuffed Elmos at the library and announced, "TWO ELMO!" He then declared one the Baby Elmo and one the Mama Elmo, which is his favorite thing to do when there are two of anything.  If there is three, there gets to be a Daddy.

Yesterday I had to take him to the pediatrician because he broke out in this horrible rash all over his body. She diagnosed him with "some sort of viral infection" and recommended we keep him away from other kids until it cleared. Which is not what you want to hear right before you have a baby, especially since today's plans involved spending lots and lots of time with other kids. We improvised, instead, and I took him to the playground super early and he got a good hour in before anyone else showed up. Then Target, then the library, then a big long walk with Buster, and some outside time and we made it to nap in one piece. (I would have just kept him home but it was the housekeeper's morning to come and Nathan is terrified of the vacuum cleaner. Cancelling the housekeeper right before having a baby is not an option.)

The afternoon was trickier- I had a doctor's appointment, and all of Nathan's sitters are friends of mine who have kids his age. So I had to take him with me, and spent 24 hours completely stressed out about taking him with me and keeping him entertained and still while I had a cervical exam.  I completely forgot to stress out about the plans to induce me tomorrow, in fact.  

Turns out the stress was needless- Nathan sat in a chair and read books for an hour in the waiting room (giving the newly pregnant couple there the totally wrong idea about 2 year olds) and then I strapped him into the stroller to take him back for the exam. (I put the stroller where he wouldn't see anything that would scar him for life.)  A few more books and a handful of m and ms and he was good to go.  (Although he did ask why I didn't say "Aaah.")

The doctor determined that I had dilated another centimeter (up to 4) but told me the hospital was pretty busy. So induction tomorrow is probably not happening, and I have to wait and hear when they can get me in. After spending a week accepting a semi-elective induction (and, you know, having my mom fly in tonight for it) this wasn't really what I wanted to hear.  So I'll either be induced as soon as the hospital is ready for me or I'll go into labor before then.  Which is probably fine, and gives Nathan's rash time to clear up, but seriously, I am ready to freaking have this baby. 

My Current Theory

Whenever I see boys or men with their pants hanging down so low you can see their underwear, I think, "Oh, they must have just potty trained. I bet those pants fit just right when they were over a diaper."  Because Nathan's pants are almost always like that these days.

My Current Favorite Thing

Nathan frequently will stop playing, come running up to me, and give me a big hug, shouting, "I FOUND MAMA!"  I'm not sure why he thinks I'm missing, but it's adorable.

The Pregnant Lady Who Cried Wolf

Wednesday night I had a contraction right before I went to bed. After several weeks of having painful contractions a few times a day, I have to say that right before bed is actually the best time to have one, because you can think to yourself,"Hey, go to sleep! If this is actually labor it'll wake you up."  Except I had another one, even more painful, 20 minutes later. And then every 20 minutes for the next two hours or so. So Jeff and I got freaked out, started trying to scramble and find someone to come stay with Nathan in the middle of the night... and then of course they stopped. 

Then all day Thursday I felt supercrampy all day and right before supper was convinced that my water had broken. With Nathan, I was not sure, but this time, it seemed like it for sure.  So we called a friend and ate our supper (I was glad I had made enough french onion soup to share, because that way we at least fed the friend) and trucked off to the hospital.  Obviously my water hadn't actually broken or I'd be telling you about the baby by now, but instead I just got my mother (who wasn't planning to come out til Thursday) all freaked out and rattled.  And I felt really stupid.  On the plus side, we got a preview of the hospital, and they got all my data entered. 

My new plan at this point is to ignore any labor-like symptoms if I can. If I can't ignore them, I'm probably actually in labor, but if I can ignore them, the past two days show they will just go away. 

I keep thinking I'll be more relaxed with my second newborn. But if I'm as jumpy about the newborn as I am about this last month of pregnancy, I'll be wrapping him in bubble wrap.

Week 38/39 Doctor's Visit

(The doctor and I are still in a bit of a disagreement over the due date. So I am either 39 weeks pregnant if you ask him, or 38 if you ask me. Anyway.)

You would think that it would be unusual to walk around for two or three weeks fully effaced, 3 centimeters dilated, and having contractions without going into labor. Apparently not, I have learned, since it now seems like this is how every woman I know spent at least one pregnancy. It's apparently especially common after the first pregnancy.  I think this would have been useful for me to know a couple of weeks ago. 

Anyway, today the doctor let me know he was at the hospital all day tomorrow in case I wanted to "roll on in and get some Pit started." (His exact words.) I declined to be induced tomorrow, but will in another week if labor doesn't start on its own.  Which means one way or another, this baby will be here in the next 8 days. I'd actually kind of prefer the planned induction- it would make arranging Nathan's caretaking easier, for one, and since I'm already dilated some and had one great induction already, I am not to anxious about it. And I really liked being in the hospital once the contractions got painful last time as they have the good drugs and at home all I have are a yoga ball and popsicles.

Nathan's been particularly adorable and loving this past week, and I am trying to savor every last minute where he gets my undivided attention.  He has been such a joy and a blessing over the past two years and I can't believe we're about to have another- I do not know how we got so lucky, but I am grateful for every minute.

"I Hungry! I eat orange!"

Overnight Nathan has started saying all the words I thought he would just sign forever. (His own made up signs, no less, which did him little good when I wasn't around.) His sign for food is suddenly, "I hungry!" He says airplane. And he identifies animals by their names, not the sounds they make  (which took me aback when he suddenly pointed to a book and announced, "Horse!" when I was expecting "Neigh-neigh.")

And he's stringing together all sorts of sentences, narrating whatever he is doing.  He especially likes to inform me that his toys are awake when he is playing with them. "Mama, Thomas wake!"  We're not discussing Obama's healthcare plans or anything, but it is so delightful to be able to actually talk to him. (And Grandmother, he likes Curious George almost as much as Elmo. "George? George? MONKEY??" he'll ask when he wants to read a Curious George book- apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.)

**

Also, my doctor moved my due date up to the 18th. He really felt it should be the 16th, in fact, based on my ultrasounds, but the nurse haggled with him. It's really only relevant if I go past the 18th and have to be induced, but at the rate things are going I think by then I'll be fine with that plan.